Hejdå Tele2

Dear Cretins,

I have been an Optus customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional perogative and seek to rectify these difficulties - or,
more likely I suspect, so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting
in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
minutes on my mobile phone listening to your infuriating hold music, and the
even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website.... er, how exactly when my modem has been disconnected? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and
highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks
later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem
arrived... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay
for it.

I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...these
are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to Friday, and
most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting for my
telephone connection. I have made 9 telephone calls on my mobile to your
no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety
of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this
theme.

Doubtless you are no-longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in
print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore,
if I continue.

I thought Telstra were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to
their customers. That's why I chose Optus, and because, well, there isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my
considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of
bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -
incompetents of the highest order. Telstra - wankers though they are - shine
like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards Optus, and it's worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

Rgds Adam Olsen Terrigal